writing to stop a bingeeeeeee
thanks so much guys! you're all awesome and a huge inspiration to me.

so my day got amazingly better
intake:
b-coffee coffee coffee apple
l-a resses peanut butter cup...does anyone know how many calories are in that? i tried to find it online but it told me to call...?
d-carrots w/ hummus and brocli (sorry i'm a horrible speller) with mustard, 8 chips, 2 pieces of pizza..whoops
s-hot coco (swiss miss kind, the no sugar i think only 25 calories and AMAZING, so chocolaty), 2 scoops of peanut butter (need to stop buying, its like my biggest/worst binge food) and 1 non-fat graham cracker

so not too bad, i mean my little post dinner snack was a little much; hence my writing here to try and stop it....but at 9 i wont allow myself to eat anymore; but i think i'm going to try and make that earlier?

i worked out a 65 minute walk with intense inclines burned 450 calories. =) woot woot
it's not a perfect intake day but i'm rather pleased with it. my intake added up to about 750, thats prolly too little but i may just need to let it slide because i am happy with myself for not having lunch, limiting the pizza, and well in 3 minutes my 'opportunity' to eat is ova. schwoop schwoop. and so then my intake was only 300. pretty pleasedddddd


i need to find a book, i just started the twilight series and i'm on the third, but i can't find it ANYWHEREEE

more later xo

So s and j are together. Like fbo. I know that I was the one who didn't want anything. I had my chance and I said no, I didn't want to be anything but it still makes me sad. I don't know why, she's nice and I'm happy that he is happy. I'll give myself the day to be sad and pitty my self. But after that no more. Its moving on, well I guess its just harder to stay mad and sad and in like 2.5 weeks my face will be shoved in it anyway. I guess I just feel lonley, he was the only one I knew I could depend on. But being as screwed up as I am I drove him away and when I pissed him off he did what he needed to get back. Ugh I can't stand myself, since when did I become this girl who is moping about some guy. I've never been like that before; I can't stand girls like this. And now look at me: just as pathetic as anyone else. So that's it one day to be sad and pathetic and then that's it. Maybe now, he and I, knowing its for sure over we can be friends? I mean I think it might be hard; too much bad blood but at the same time our paths will cross and I don't want to be bitter. I'm sorry this is so stupid of me. I'll have a better post later today
Xo

whoooo

i just discovered this. AMAZING. I'm going to try and stick to this eeeee =)) Maintenance:	2105 Calories/day
Fat Loss:	1684 Calories/day
Extreme Fat Loss:	1263 Calories/day
7 day calorie cycle (zig-zag)

	Ex Fat Loss	Fat Loss	Maintain
Monday	1264	1685	2106
Tuesday	1112	1348	1685
Wednesday	1516	2021	2527
Thursday	1264	1685	2106
Friday	1137	1516	1895
Saturday	1390	1853	2316
Sunday	1264	1685	2106

eh

so for some reason i haven't been feeling hungry lately. but i still eat. because that makes soooo much sense. ha
well i was able to get in a very good, nice 2 hour walk today and burned 800 calories.
i don't think i ate too many. lets see
2 coffees (like a splash of milk in each....gotta get used to drinking it black)~ 35
apple w/e 1 tablespoon of pb so ~ 180.
another coffee from s. bucks~ 130
like 50 mil. pita chips (okay not that many)~ 150
1/2 veggie burger~ 100
veggies ~ 100
skinny cow= 175
total: 870
output: 800.
wow i'm so embarrased that i actually ate that much. ahhhhhh but i guess that i worked out off a TON of it. not so bad.
i'm actually kind of glad. but i should have listened to my body more and not have eaten when i wasn't hungry.

thankfully tomorrow i will be able to "oversleep" and have to leave in a hurry. i have already decided that i need to go get a birthday present during my lunch hour. no time for lunch/awkard time with people i don't know/don't care to get to know. and i planned all the dinners for the week so i know how many calories in each. WOO and if i get to cook it will be even better.

yay here is to a positive week....

thanks for everything already! it's helping me a ton.

i'm trying not to be too hard on myself and i actually think its making things easier for me. this morning i overslept and was in too much of a rush to eat. then i had a cookie with my coffee (booo) then i had some cashews at like 10. my boss wanted to take us out to lunch because my coworker is leaving tomorrow and say thanks and stuff. so my very planned lunch went out the window. i'm vegitarian (well i eat fish so i'm pescatarian or w/e) but there wasn't many options but i had a tomato/motzorella pannini. not the best but i thought it wouldn't be horrible. this is when my problems started. me and dairy have always had a rough time together but it has never been so bad. i couldnt stand after lunch. i'm sure you don't want to know but the b-room and i had some bonding time. then i had 2 reases (like the very small ones) but instead of beating myself up i decided to try and let it go. i've told my mom about my stomach problems so at dinner time i had some salad and asparagus but when i wass full-ish i said my stomach hurt so i didn't have to eat the fish.
i got home pretty early so i was able to get in a nice 90 minute walk and burned about 550 calories. but my intake was about 1000. (i actually have no idea but ....
bfast (STUPID COOKIE)- 40
snack (almonds/cashews)-90?
lunch-350
dinner- 400?

so like 900 calories..prolly more =/ but minus my out put it was +350. deffffffff moreeeeee
NOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTT BEEEEEEAAATTTTTTTIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG MMMMMMMMMYYYYYSSSSSSEEEEEELLLLLFFFFFF UUUUUPPPPPPPPP grrrrrrrr

thankfully my friend from work (yeah i have only 1) has her last day tomorrow so i can go back to 'going out to eat' and spend my time reading in my car/walking around target. and not eating. shes one of those girls that can literally eat whatever she wants (everyday she has 4 entiments cookies for bfast) lunch includes a ham and cheese sandwich (white bread) 2 packets of fruit snacks nutella on either grahm crackers or a bannana (if you don't know nutella is a chocolate hazelnut spread aaaabsolutly amazing) anyways she is a stick. she doesn't exercise. its just not fair. grrrrrr

i am in some serious need of thinspoooooooo.

okay loves
xo a

worst morning on record

Woke up. Was 1 3 9. I gave up on Ana for 3 days. Worst mistake i've ever made. I'm sorry Anna i'll never ever do that again. So I was bawling my eyes out when I saw that number. My mom came in and asked me what was wrong. I lied. Said nothing. She didn't believe me. When I went down both her and my father we're sitting there. I grabbed an apple but then they asked me I'd that was all I was going to have. I said of course not, grabbed the peanut butter and had that. It got them off my back long enough. Urg this is going to be the worst day ever. And its only like 9 am. Fml I need to get on Anna's good side. Please come back to me Anna: i'm so so sorry
Xo a

Thanks already for the support.
I think this is going to be a huge help for me.

Today was better. I was more in the swing of things. I consumed about. 650. I walked on the treadmill for like 75 minutes and burned 500. Tomorrows the big day: I've given myself a break on the weighing until I decided I can handle it. And tomorrow morning will be the start of that.

I peace out and back to school SO soon. while i known its easier to not eat/ hide it from my family . i just NEED to meet just ONE goal i've set for myself. That way it will be easier to face the kid that broke my heart and broke me. Face the "best friend" who stabbed me in the back and aided in the broken me.

I know what I need to do. get my intake back down to under 500. I hope tomorrow i can sneak out of the house before anyone's awake and just make it look like i've eaten. i really just want to prove this to myself, more than anything right now. I need to prove it to myself so that i don't feel like a complete and total failure at EVERYTHING i do.
xo as